Day Sixteen


Dear Diary,

                I haven’t made an entry in over a week. Everything seemed to be okay, but things got a lot bit hectic. I started struggling and quickly fell back into old habits of not talking to anyone. I hate that I am going to be basically starting all over, but with how I have been feeling lately, that is what I have to do.

                I feel like I am fighting a losing battle. I have been beaten down so many times, that I believe the words they have said. That I can’t do it. No matter what the ‘it’ is. And as of right now, I don’t know how to change that. All I want to do is better myself. But I have been told I will fail so many times, that I think I am going to fail before I even start. It sucks. Even though the no one is around me at the moment, saying I can’t do it. The voices of my past linger and keep my confidence at bay.

                How do I beat that? Where is the voice that tells me I can? I mean really…I know that voice is inside me somewhere but I just can’t seem to bring it to the surface long enough to prove to myself that I can do it. I feel as though the battle I have with myself is never-ending. Like no matter how hard I try, I won’t make it out on top. But there is still a very strong part of me that doesn’t want to give up. I wish I knew how to give that part of me strength.

                Since my fallback, I have made some new additions to my plan. I have asked my sister to keep tabs on me. Basically, she is going to make sure I am at least talking to her about how I am feeling and the things going on in my head. I am open and honest with her. I don’t hide things. So I feel like bringing her in will help me work through some of the things I am struggling with.

                I also decided I am revising my workout and diet plan. I feel like I may have jumped into a plan that wasn’t as well thought out as I had originally meant it to be. I don’t want to set myself up for failure. I want to give myself every chance to be successful.

                My emotions are all messed up lately. I have been easily angered by things that shouldn’t matter that much. And I have been quick to just give up on things. That is a definite sign of my anxiety and stress levels being too high right now. And I need to find things to focus all of the extra emotion into. While writing is one fantastic way for me to do that. I am going to attempt to channel it into my workouts as well.

                I’ve been struggling and really down this last week. But maybe I can pull myself back up from it.

~ Love Raine

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