Day Five
Dear Diary,
I want to listen to me for a change. But a part of me has been broken down to the point that I started to believe all the things they said. That I won't be good enough. I won't achieve my dreams. I will never amount to anything. And no one will ever love me. Of course my family and my closest friends love me. But what those peopl meant was I will never find a man who will love me.
I have had relationships in the past. But they weren't good for me. I let then treat me badly because I was so afraid i would never find another guy willing to date me. I have overcome that part. I no longer let guys treat me poorly because I fear I won't find another. Those guys are a dime a dozen. But I do worry about finding a man to love me. All of me.
I am a very different kind of person. I am quirky a lot. I still watch cartoons and color. I like to play games and have fun. But I also am very responsible. I graduated from college with a degree in mathematics and I have a full time job. So in my mind, I am a good mix of fun and responsible. But a lot of guys overlook me.
I know that a lot of it has to do with my weight. And I understand everyone has preferences. But at the same time, i can't help but question the motive. I've had a lot of guys turn me down just because of my size. So what happens if I lose weight, fall in love with a guy, and then gain weight later in life? What if he leaves me for it? Thoughts like this plague my mind.
Personally, I believe that once I lose weight, I will be so happy, that I won't allow myself to gain it back. I've weighed around two hundred eighty pounds since high school. Even when I was a senior and was a cheerleader, I stayed at that weight. While I got smaller, I gained muscle which kept my weight the same. I want the number to go down. I don't mind gaining muscle by any means. But I want to weigh less.
When I sit down and think about all the things I want, the voices come in. It's such a difficult thing for me to just go for what I want. Many times I can be super excited for something and then all the sudden I don't want to do it anymore. And it's because the voices flare up and make me doubt myself. How do I battle that? Better yet, how do I win? Do I just keep fighting like I am now? Can that silence the voices in the future? I wish I knew.
It's exhausting trying to fight the voices in your head, keep yourself upbeat and motivated, and convince yourself that what you are doing is going to be the best for you. It feels like a losing battle sometimes. And the more I push, the more they push back. I guess putting myself out in the open is bringing back more than I thought it would.
With cheerleading, I had other girls around me so I wasn't focused on as much. But now, I'm all alone. No one else is going to be out in the open but me. All eyes will be on me. Those people who judged me will be watching. And so will others who have never met me. So what happens if the bullying kicks back in? Can I work through it now that I am older? Giving myself the benefit of the doubt, I'm gonna say yes. I've already made some pretty big changes. So why can't I make another one?
This journey is going to change my life. But my whole reason behind sharing is to hopefully help someone else. Even if it is just one person, then I will at least know I have done something. Maybe it's not about losing weight for that person. Maybe they just need to gain a little confidence to go for what they want in life. Or maybe they want to be who they are and not who their friends want them to be.
Right now I am dealing with the mixed voices in my head...arguing over whether or not I can actually do this. I want to ignore the negative side and pull the positive to the front. That is proving to be difficult today. But I won't give up. I won't quit on myself this time. This time is gonna be different.
~ Love Raine
I keep hearing the voices in my head. The ones created by all the people who have treated me badly. Called me names and told me I would never amount to anything. The angry part of me wants nothing more than to prove them all wrong. To show them I can be something. But that shy scared side still exists. And because of that, I am having constant battles with myself. How can I get rid of these voices? And how long will it take? What if they never go away?
I want to listen to me for a change. But a part of me has been broken down to the point that I started to believe all the things they said. That I won't be good enough. I won't achieve my dreams. I will never amount to anything. And no one will ever love me. Of course my family and my closest friends love me. But what those peopl meant was I will never find a man who will love me.
I have had relationships in the past. But they weren't good for me. I let then treat me badly because I was so afraid i would never find another guy willing to date me. I have overcome that part. I no longer let guys treat me poorly because I fear I won't find another. Those guys are a dime a dozen. But I do worry about finding a man to love me. All of me.
I am a very different kind of person. I am quirky a lot. I still watch cartoons and color. I like to play games and have fun. But I also am very responsible. I graduated from college with a degree in mathematics and I have a full time job. So in my mind, I am a good mix of fun and responsible. But a lot of guys overlook me.
I know that a lot of it has to do with my weight. And I understand everyone has preferences. But at the same time, i can't help but question the motive. I've had a lot of guys turn me down just because of my size. So what happens if I lose weight, fall in love with a guy, and then gain weight later in life? What if he leaves me for it? Thoughts like this plague my mind.
Personally, I believe that once I lose weight, I will be so happy, that I won't allow myself to gain it back. I've weighed around two hundred eighty pounds since high school. Even when I was a senior and was a cheerleader, I stayed at that weight. While I got smaller, I gained muscle which kept my weight the same. I want the number to go down. I don't mind gaining muscle by any means. But I want to weigh less.
When I sit down and think about all the things I want, the voices come in. It's such a difficult thing for me to just go for what I want. Many times I can be super excited for something and then all the sudden I don't want to do it anymore. And it's because the voices flare up and make me doubt myself. How do I battle that? Better yet, how do I win? Do I just keep fighting like I am now? Can that silence the voices in the future? I wish I knew.
It's exhausting trying to fight the voices in your head, keep yourself upbeat and motivated, and convince yourself that what you are doing is going to be the best for you. It feels like a losing battle sometimes. And the more I push, the more they push back. I guess putting myself out in the open is bringing back more than I thought it would.
With cheerleading, I had other girls around me so I wasn't focused on as much. But now, I'm all alone. No one else is going to be out in the open but me. All eyes will be on me. Those people who judged me will be watching. And so will others who have never met me. So what happens if the bullying kicks back in? Can I work through it now that I am older? Giving myself the benefit of the doubt, I'm gonna say yes. I've already made some pretty big changes. So why can't I make another one?
This journey is going to change my life. But my whole reason behind sharing is to hopefully help someone else. Even if it is just one person, then I will at least know I have done something. Maybe it's not about losing weight for that person. Maybe they just need to gain a little confidence to go for what they want in life. Or maybe they want to be who they are and not who their friends want them to be.
Right now I am dealing with the mixed voices in my head...arguing over whether or not I can actually do this. I want to ignore the negative side and pull the positive to the front. That is proving to be difficult today. But I won't give up. I won't quit on myself this time. This time is gonna be different.
~ Love Raine
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