Day Three

Dear Diary,

                Today I have been moody. I know it has to do with not eating the way I normally do. I am so used to just eating my emotions. Or eating to distract myself. It is a terrible habit, so I know I have to continue to fight it. But it makes it tough because I have to learn how to cope with my emotions in a different way. This is going to be extremely difficult for me. And I am having to make a conscious decision to watch my mood. I knew this was going to be difficult, but with it only being three days in, I didn’t realize I was going to find these blocked emotions so quickly. I guess I didn’t realize how many emotions I had pent up until now. It shows me just how long I have been hiding my emotions.

                I admit, I was snappy at some people who didn’t deserve it. I will be sure to do better. I have to find another outlet to put my emotions into so I can avoid future complication. I know that it is going to get increasingly more difficult, but with time, I will hopefully be able to deal with it easier. One thing I will try to do is focus these emotions into writing. Usually when I write, I feel better. So maybe that will be extremely helpful. I am also hoping that picking up some new hobbies will help.

                I plan to start learning dances. I used to dance when I was five and six years old. I quit when my best friend at that age died in a car accident. It just wasn’t the same without her. Still, dance remained a passion for me and even today I dance alone in my room. So finding dances I can learn will be challenging but I believe I can do it. I also want to use these emotions as fuel for my workout. I think it could help make the exercises easier to get through by using the adrenaline.

                I am eager to move past all these emotions. But I know that with these emotions comes things I am afraid of. Like failing. The fear of failure keeps me from doing things I want to do. It prevents me from reaching for the stars and fighting for what I want in life. I have been so scared to really try to lose weight for as long as I can remember. That is because I am afraid I will fail and won’t be able to lose weight. But if I never fight through that, I will never be able to see what I am truly capable of.

                I feel like I am really starting to see how tough this may be for me at times. But I am also becoming more excited to push myself. I’ve held back for so long. And I have never really given myself the chance to test myself and see what I am capable of. It won’t be an easy thing to do, but I want to really see what I can do. I want to test myself physically. I want to test my drive. How bad do I really want this? How hard will I push? How hard will I fight? Can I overcome the negative voices in my head? I want to know the answers to those questions…and I plan to find them.

~ Love Raine