Raine's Not-So-Secret Diary

Dear Diary,                 I haven’t made an entry in over a week. Everything seemed to be okay, but things got a lot bit hectic. I started struggling and quickly fell back into old habits of not talking to anyone. I hate that I am going to be basically starting all over, but with how I have been feeling lately, that is what I have to do.                 I feel like I am fighting a losing battle. I have been beaten down so many times, that I believe the words they have said. That I can’t do it. No matter what the ‘it’ is. And as of right now, I don’t know how to change that. All I want to do is better myself. But I have been told I will fail so many times, that I think I am going to fail before I even start. It sucks. Even though the no one is around me at the moment, saying I can’t do it. The voices of my past linger and keep m...

When I was a kid, I loved Razzles. Whenever my best friend came over, we had to get some. We absolutely loved them and it is pretty fair to say they were one of our top favorite candies…or gum? So when I was walking in Wal-Mart shopping for Valentine’s gifts and seen the heart shaped Razzles, I knew I had to get some. They are not only cute, but they are still fun. From candy to gum. The flavors are fantastic too. I didn’t actually share them with anyone. They are still in the box in my room. No one in my house likes them but me anyway. This is actually the first time I have seen heart shaped Razzles available for Valentine’s Day. I have only ever seen them available in their original form. And while nothing beats the originals from childhood, these are definitely a welcome new addition for me. Razzles make a good treat for kids. It kept me busy when I was little trying to figure out how it turned into gum. If you haven’t tried Razzles, you definitely should. It’s a thr...

It is day four of my weight loss and workout journey. I have continued to drink a shake for breakfast and lunch. At the beginning of the week, I weighed 278.8. When I weighed this morning, I was down to 275. It's not a huge drop, but it is a start in the right direction. And drinking the shakes has helped me shrink my portions a lot too. Seeing that I have lost a little weight gives me motivation to keep pushing. I know it is going to get harder before it gets easier. But seeing that number this morning made me so happy. Not only did I manage to lose 3.8 pounds in four days, but I also did it on my own. I made the decision to change how I eat and took charge. So this gives me more confidence in myself. But I want to see more weight come off. So I am considering doing a workout twice a day. Once in the morning and once in the evening.  I may be pushing myself a bit hard, but it is important to me and as I am seeing that I can do it. I am only hungry to do more. I hope to one d...

Dear Diary,      I keep hearing the voices in my head. The ones created by all the people who have treated me badly. Called me names and told me I would never amount to anything. The angry part of me wants nothing more than to prove them all wrong. To show them I can be something. But that shy scared side still exists. And because of that, I am having constant battles with myself. How can I get rid of these voices? And how long will it take? What if they never go away?      I want to listen to me for a change. But a part of me has been broken down to the point that I started to believe all the things they said. That I won't be good enough. I won't achieve my dreams. I will never amount to anything. And no one will ever love me. Of course my family and my closest friends love me. But what those peopl meant was I will never find a man who will love me.       I have had relationships in the past. But they weren't good for me. I let t...

                Something I love is shopping. Almost a year ago I found  YesStyle . It is an amazing shopping site with products from several different countries. I have ordered from there many times and I love the products. Mainly I purchase face products. I have combination oily skin. It is a pain trying to figure o ut the right products to use. So I looked through their website and found a page that had a  Korean Face Routine . After reading it, I decided to try it out. I will make a post later that tells which products I bought.                 The website is easy to navigate. It has beauty products for all kinds of skin types. They have makeup, jewelry, clothes and accessories. I bought a pair of earrings from there and I absolutely love them. With such a wide variety of products, there is something for everyone. I will say that it takes a while f...

Dear Diary,                 Today was easier. For whatever reason, I was happier today. I wish I could feel like that every day. I mean, I know that everyone is going to have a bad day. But I want to have a happier personality. I made plans to go shopping this weekend with my sister. When I am with her, it is always fun. She has an ability to make me laugh and distract me when I need it. And she is the only one who knows how to do it just right. We are really just doing some grocery shopping and picking up some things for our girls’ day, but I enjoy everything we do together.                 I have picked up an old hobby of mine. When I was little, I used to play with perler beads. You made shapes on little peg boards and then using an iron to fuse them together. I bought beads a few weeks ago and I started making some designs th...

Dear Diary,                 Today I have been moody. I know it has to do with not eating the way I normally do. I am so used to just eating my emotions. Or eating to distract myself. It is a terrible habit, so I know I have to continue to fight it. But it makes it tough because I have to learn how to cope with my emotions in a different way. This is going to be extremely difficult for me. And I am having to make a conscious decision to watch my mood. I knew this was going to be difficult, but with it only being three days in, I didn’t realize I was going to find these blocked emotions so quickly. I guess I didn’t realize how many emotions I had pent up until now. It shows me just how long I have been hiding my emotions.                 I admit, I was snappy at some people who didn’t deserve it. I will be sure to do better. I have...

                Today was the first day of my thirty-day workout and my new diet. I drank a Premier Protein Chocolate shake for breakfast and lunch. It wasn’t easy for me to not snack at times. I had to be very conscious about what I was doing. It is easy for me to snack when I am not paying attention; It is just a bad habit. It felt good to be successful on my first day. And the workout was no different.                 I usually am not very active, but doing the workout tonight made me feel great. I didn’t do the exercises perfect. I struggled. A lot. I don’t have a lot of physical strength. But I gave it my all. As I looked at the exercises I was supposed to do, I felt that familiar thought pop in my head. ‘This is too hard; I won’t be able to do this’. But I pushed it out. I know I won’t be good at this when I first start. That i...

Dear Diary,                 Today I told my best friend about my plans. She has been by my side for an extremely long time. As I said yesterday, she was the only one who defended me in sixth grade. Yes, we had a faking out in junior high. But over time we reconnected. When we graduated high school, we didn’t do a whole lot together. But a few months ago, we went to dinner just to catch up. In all honesty, I thought we would have dinner and then we wouldn’t talk again for a year or so because that is what had happened several times already. But when we were eating, I could tell this time was different. Now, we are closer than we have been in a long time.                 After that first night, we talked every day. We made plans and met up multiple times a week. It was refreshing for me. I felt like I had my best friend back. She i...

                My weight has been a constant struggle. It is one thing that makes me extremely insecure. And my fear of not being good enough has kept me from really trying to lose weight. I have been afraid that I would not be successful in losing weight. But I have to do it for me. Since it is the feature I am most insecure about, I want to start working on it immediately. So I created a diet plan that will fit me and my daily schedule.                 Monday through Friday I will drink a protein shake for breakfast and lunch. I will monitor what I eat for dinner. I usually drink soda more than I should. So I am going to start by switching to diet sodas and only drinking one regular soda a week. I hope to eventually cut out the sodas completely except for special occasions. On the weekends, I will eat three meals a day. I will mon...

Dear Diary,                 Today is day one of my journey. I am afraid. There are so many things I have to change, and I am terrified I may fail. I have struggled most of my life with my weight. As a kid, I was bullied. And I suppose if I am going to let it go, I should put it all out there, starting from the beginning. So I will go back to the first time I remember being bullied.                 I was in third grade. I remember being at the water fountain. I had a crush on a boy who was pretty popular. When his cousin found out I liked him, she began making fun of me. And when her friends heard her making fun of me, they joined in. They would tell me that I wasn’t good enough. They called me fat. I had nowhere to run. They were in my class with me, at lunch with me, and at recess. As a young kid, I tried to just run away from ...

Dear Readers                 My name is Raine. I plan to use this blog as a diary. I will share my thoughts and struggles with all of you. I will be sharing my story and documenting the journey of bettering myself. This blog is going to be full of posts that are my personal opinion. I hope to inspire others just by being honest and sharing my story. I want to share not just my struggles but my hopes and dreams as well. I will also have posts that are not ‘diary’ posts, but they will be aimed more at sharing things I enjoy. The decision to start this blog was very sudden as I decided I wanted to change my life. I have struggled with things for so long and now that I am finally taking charge. I felt that it was time to put everything out in the open, let go of the past and make changes for me.                 The journey I am about t...